


Respiration

by WritingIsReality



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Arc Reactor, Battle of New York (Marvel), Boys Kissing, Declarations Of Love, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kissing, M/M, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Post-Avengers (2012), Post-Battle of New York (Marvel), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Steve Rogers, Romance, Slash, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Still Has Arc Reactor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2016-07-03
Packaged: 2018-07-19 19:56:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7375384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritingIsReality/pseuds/WritingIsReality
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the Battle of New York Tony still has his arc reactor – but he also has suicidal thoughts. Alone in the Tower he acts on them. Thankfully he's found in time and Steve has a lot of thinking to do… Fluff, Angst and a Budding Romance. Post Avengers and Pre IM3</p>
            </blockquote>





	Respiration

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: For Michelle xxx
> 
> A/N: Post Avengers and pre-IM3. Arc Reactor still exists and Tony and Pepper never had a romantic relationship.

After the Battle of New York everything seemed to fall into place. The team was strong, the tower was being rebuilt and a sense of camaraderie and friendship seemed to be growing. But like every instance of happiness in Tony Stark’s life, it didn’t last. The team often disbanded and members went on their individual missions, the tower was complete but phantasmal. Tony mostly found himself alone in the eerie quiet, the absence of his friends’ laughter and joviality ghosting throughout the empty space that he now occupied. That’s when the nightmares started and his suffering began.

*****

Sometimes, most times, it was easy to lose himself in his work. It offered stimulating distraction and he could generally forget about his loneliness and his demons for that short while. Recently, however, it just didn’t seem to be working. The demons had grown bigger, the shadows more expansive, and the nightmares followed him even when he was awake. Work no longer offered the distraction that he needed, the gratification that he desired and it very quickly started to become too much. He drank more, pained more, suffered more and the desperation rapidly set in. Words like ‘depression’, ‘anxiety’ and ‘PTSD’ made their way to the forefront of his mind but he did not acknowledge them. To acknowledge them and accept them meant that he was weak. So he drank more and slept less.

*****

He was seated on a stool in his workshop when he made the decision. The tower was empty and he was alone; usually this would distress him but not tonight. Tonight it was perfect. He put on his favourite music and nursed his favourite Scotch, appraising all of his achievements surrounding him and gaining pleasure from not a single one. The songs from the stereo changed and the amber in the bottle lessened, the early evening passed and night reigned over New York City. The time had come. He lay down on the floor of his workshop and removed the arc reactor from his chest.

*****

Nothing aggravated Pepper Potts more than the callousness of her boss. Yes she was the CEO of Stark Industries, yes she was technically the one in charge but some business processes – mergers and acquisitions and the like – were too profound and too influential for her signature alone. The owner and sole proprietor of Stark Industries needed to sign for these deals as well. She had sent the papers to him days ago, sent reminders via JARVIS thrice daily, and still Tony had ignored his responsibilities and left the papers unsigned. The partners were getting impatient and an ultimatum of the deal needing to have gone through by Monday had been given. This found an extremely angry and an extremely dishevelled Pepper Potts stomping her way to Tony’s workshop. It was Friday night and she was _not_ coming in to Stark Industries over the weekend. Tony _would_ sign the papers tonight so that she could go home without preamble and enjoy the much needed break that she deserved.

She arrived at the entrance of the workshop with a huff of annoyance and entered the access code. She was denied. She tried again but with the same result. She sighed in exasperation and looked to the ceiling. Tony was unbelievably mercurial, his moods ever-changing and he often altered the access codes when Pepper needed to see him just to irritate her and prolong the inevitable. She had never known someone to shirk their responsibilities more than him. Thankfully, JARVIS generally was what Tony deemed to be a “vicious traitor” and provided her with the correct access codes when she most desperately needed them. Tonight would be such a time.

“JARVIS, please provide me with the workshop’s newest, altered access code.”

She was met with silence.

“JARVIS?”

The silence lingered and Pepper felt her body flare with anxiety and a foreboding cold sweat.

“JARV –‘’ she began, but her words stuttered to a halt as they left her mouth; she had spotted it through the glass door, an arm peeping out from behind the leg of a workshop table, unmoving and frightening in its position.

“Tony!” she screeched but, naturally, there was no reply and there was no movement.

Pepper tried to pry the door open but it was no use, the glass was thick and unyielding and far too strong for her tiny and feeble hands. Evidently, JARVIS had been disabled and Tony himself was unable to open the door.

“Tony!” she screamed over and over, fighting the door with all her might. Her heaves became desperate and tears streamed down her face. This couldn’t be happening. Not like this. Not like this.

“Miss Potts?”

She whirled around and cried out with relief when she saw him.

“Steve! Please! Help me! Help him! He-he oh God he –‘’

It took Steve mere seconds to appraise the situation and establish what had Pepper so distressed. He felt the blood drain from his face when he realised what was happening and wrenched the door open with all the super-strength that he had, ignoring the protesting groan that the hinges gave out before the glass shattered from the force of his pull.

Both he and Pepper rushed into the workshop and knelt beside the fallen genius. Steve looked for the threat that had caused this and Pepper pushed the arc reactor back into Tony’s chest. He inhaled a stuttered breath when the light began to glow once again and the colour slowly returned to his face.

The two saviours looked at each other over the fallen hero. Worry was etched and creased onto their faces and the shock began to make its presence known as the reality of the situation began to sink in. They were both stunned into silence. They both had no idea where to go from there.

*****

Pepper asked Steve to call Rhodey while she accessed the workshop’s camera footage. If there was an intruder they needed to know about it and stat. Thankfully, Rhodey had been at a conference not even three miles from the tower and was able to arrive within minutes. Steve insisted that they call an ambulance but Rhodey had enough first aid training to establish that Tony’s vitals were stable. Tony Stark being admitted to hospital would induce a media frenzy. The genius would never forgive them for thrusting him under an eagle eye and the resultant invasion of his privacy – despite his bravado, Tony had become somewhat camera shy since Afghanistan and most noticeably since the Battle of New York. Besides, the hospital would have no idea how to treat him with the arc reactor anyway.

Rhodey was explaining all of this to Steve when they heard Pepper’s sharp intake of breath and her muffled sob. They both turned to find her staring at the computer screen in shock, tears swimming in her eyes and trailing down her cheeks, her hand over her mouth as she attempted to keep her hysteria at bay. It wasn’t necessary for them to view the video in its entirety to know what had happened. Tony had done this to himself.

The three of them stood there in silence. Rhodey was the one who snapped out of the stupor first.

“Right, first thing’s first. We get him up to bed, make sure he’s set up okay, that he’s stable and then us three have a serious discussion about this and come up with some kind of a game plan.”

Steve and Pepper nodded wordlessly and the super soldier moved to hoist Tony up and transfer him to the penthouse. The guilt that they all possessed threatened to consume them. They had all noticed the change in Tony’s behaviour but none of them had done anything to address it.

*****

A few minutes later saw the three of them huddled outside Tony’s bedroom. They were whispering frantically, trying to decide what would be the best course of action.

“The press is going to notice his absence,” Pepper said worriedly. “Even when he’s not interviewing they see him around. I’m going to have to work the entire weekend to keep them at bay – at least until we figure out how we’re going to approach this.”

“I’m being deployed on a training mission in Washington to train the new recruits. My presence was personally requested by the President but Tony’s my friend. He’s more important, I’ll have to figure something out.”

“Cancel on the President of the United States?” Steve asked. “I doubt that will go down well.”

“I doubt it as well but there’s no other choice. Tony clearly can’t be left on his own and we won’t be able to contact any professionals until Monday, especially since Miss Potts has to alleviate the media; the last thing we need is some Doctor leaking this to the press. We need to have a contract of confidentiality drafted before we can seek help.”

“I’ll stay with him,” Steve said.

Rhodey raised his brows. “Aren’t you on a mission?”

“I was. It was completed in less than half the time we had anticipated; it’s why I’m even in the Tower in the first place.”

“I can’t leave him,” murmured Pepper. Her tears continued to fall.

“You have to,” Rhodey replied gently. He placed his hand on her shoulder in comfort and continued, “he needs your help more than ever and this is best way that you can provide it.”

She nodded mutely and peered around Rhodey to look into the bedroom. Tony was sleeping peacefully – so peacefully that it belied that anything tragic had happened. She nodded resolutely and left.

“This is bad,” Steve sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and rubbing his hand over his face. “I don’t know what to do with this.”

“Just be there for him,” replied Rhodey. “Watch him like a hawk and don’t push him. We’ll figure this out. There’s a reason he did it and it _will_ be addressed.”

Rhodey looked at Steve and felt pity. He looked defeated; so small and so lost despite his super-strength and timeless wisdom. It was no secret that the dynamic between him and Tony had changed. Everyone had noticed. The two had been skirting around each other ever since the Battle of New York – to the point where the Avengers actually had a betting pool on how long it would take before one of them made a move.

“You can’t feel guilt over this Steve,” Rhodey said finally. “None of us could have known this would happen.”

Steve looked up at him with haunted eyes and let out a hysterical laugh.”

“Except that we did. We’ve all noticed Tony’s decline. We watched and didn’t do a single thing about it.”

“Tony abhors emotion. He avoids sentiment as if it were a virus bent on eradicating humanity. We all know this. He can only ever be helped when he asks for it and I think we were all waiting for that moment.”

“We waited too long!” Steve shouted, though he quickly quietened when he saw Tony become restless in his sleep at the calamity.

“I don’t think I can forgive myself for this.”

“Steve,” warned Rhodey. “Don’t do this. Don’t go down that road. We can’t change that it happened but we can change it from happening again. Take solace in the fact that we are going to help him. We weren’t too late. It’s going to get better.”

Steve exhaled in defeat and nodded his assent tiredly.

“Okay.”

“Okay,” Rhodey reiterated. “Now get some rest. Watch him, be there for him, listen to him. It’s all you can do until we get the necessary professionals involved.” He clapped Steve on the shoulder and gave him a wan smile. “If you’ll excuse me; I have a date with the President.”

*****

Steve entered the room and shifted one of the loungers to Tony’s bedside. He seated himself and rested his elbows on his knees; his fingers knitted together reposed under his chin. He watched Tony sleep and took comfort in the steady rise and fall of his chest, the blue glow from beneath the sheets. Shadows danced across the walls and the ceiling as the curtains in the room shifted with the breeze and the arc reactor cast its light on the backdrop. Ambient noise filtered in through the open window and Steve felt that he could cry.

Tony was dear to him, dearer than he was ever able to admit. He was the one thing that connected Steve with his past but what also propelled him into the future. Tony had helped Steve adjust to the present without even realising it and the caring nature that he so ardently denied is what drew Steve in in the first place. Their first meeting had not gone well but things had only improved since then. There was an easy camaraderie between them now and Steve yearned for more. He knew things were different now, that people didn’t… judge as much now, but the friendship meant so much to him that he didn’t want to risk losing it. Now, however, he considers his fear as nothing more than wasted time. Tony could have departed this world not knowing how Steve felt. He couldn’t allow that. Perhaps if Tony had realised how significant he was in Steve’s life they wouldn’t be where they are now…

Movement from the bed jolted Steve back to reality. Tony was heavily sedated and very clearly wasn’t completely awake, but he was coherent enough to realise where he was and that he had failed. Steve’s relief was palpable but quickly turned to horror as Tony grabbed at the arc reactor and attempted to wrench it from his chest.

“Tony, no!” Steve yelled, grabbing his hands and forcing them away from the life-force. The genius fought him but it was feeble. He wasn’t even remotely compos mentis and he had zero strength to wrangle back. He went completely lax under Steve’s hands and turned his head away, breathing in a shuddering breath as he lost consciousness again.

Steve was astounded. He looked at Tony in total shock and fear and began shaking. Dread coiled in his stomach and he felt like he could be sick. The fact that Tony was barely in control of his faculties and _still_ made an attempt on his life bespoke of how much pain he was really in and how ardently he was suffering.

Steve exhaled a quivering breath that he hadn’t even realised he had been holding and sank back into his chair. He made a decision in that moment that he might come to regret, but he figured things couldn’t get much worse than they already were and he would be damned if Tony hurt himself. Not on his watch.

He rose from the chair and walked to the other side of the bed, pulling back the sheets and climbing in. Tony burned hot and his warmth radiated from where he lay on the other side. Mustering all the courage that he had, Steve gathered Tony into his arms and wrapped them solidly around his body, bringing his hand to rest firmly over the arc reactor and tucking Tony’s head under his chin. Never in his life did he think that he would one day find himself spooning Howard Stark’s son but, here they were. Tony wasn’t getting to his reactor without a fight and Steve’s hand was unyielding where it had come to rest.

Steve was once again soothed by Tony’s unwavering respiration and he felt a sense of peace as he lay cocooned next to the genius. There was something undeniably gratifying about being able to hold Tony, to be physically able to protect him and prevent any further catastrophes from happening. Perhaps this made him what was now commonly called a ‘control freak’ but he really couldn’t bring himself to care.

*****

He knows Tony is waking when he begins to shift; his breathing pattern loses its continuum and the genius sighs. His eyes open and he looks vacantly at the curtained window across from him. There’s an extended silence as he gathers himself, as he fully returns to consciousness and appraises the still atmosphere around him. It’s so quiet. His eyes fight to stay open and he experiences an extreme fatigue that he knows can’t possibly be wholly natural. He remembers what he did, what he had decided to do and he furrows his brows in confusion as he moves his hand to his chest, to feel the life-force, to make sure that he was, in fact, still alive. He jolted when his palm brushed the skin of another.

“Why’d you do it?” A voice asked behind him and he startled.

His breathing became laboured and he clawed at the hand on his chest.

“Easy,” Steve said, and with that one word Tony relaxed.

“Why’d you do it?” Steve asked again, whispering in his ear. Tony shuddered at the warm breath on his neck but didn’t say anything. He couldn’t.

The silence wore on, Steve unrelenting in his hold and Tony unrelenting in his reticence. The genius burrowed into the body behind him and sighed. He was so _tired._ If he had been a God-believing man, however, he reckons that this is what his own little slice of heaven would be like. He couldn’t think of many other ways to better spend his time in the afterlife than being wrapped in Steve’s arms.

Tony supposed he’d screwed up catastrophically already, so he steeled himself for his next action and decided that it really didn’t matter if yet another thing went wrong. It’s not like he had anything to lose anyway.

He turned in the arms that held him and was pleasantly surprised when they relented. Facing Steve, their eyes meeting, Tony frowned at the haunted look that Steve possessed, his face ragged with worry and sheer concern. He felt terrible for putting those emotions there, but he wouldn’t apologise. He wasn’t sorry. His only regret was that they had found him in time.

As if sensing the pernicious nature of Tony’s thoughts Steve quavered. He brought his hand to the other man’s cheek and closed his eyes, willed his composure not to fracture. His breath shook audibly when he exhaled and when he opened his eyes again it was to find Tony staring at him in confusion.

“You really have no idea do you?” Steve asked.

Tony’s lips parted in a silent question and Steve leant in.

“You’re so important to the world, you have no idea. You’re so important to us, you have no idea. You’re so important to _me,_ you have no idea.”

Tony’s eyes widened and he found himself, possibly for the first time in his life, at a loss for words.

“I –‘’ he started but Steve cut him off by pressing their lips together.

Tony allowed for a moment of shock before his eyes fluttered closed and he gave in to what was happening. He had felt the dynamic between himself and Steve shifting for a while now, but he had rationalised it through self-deprecation – identifying that perhaps Steve simply felt sorry for him. Never had he imagined that perhaps his feelings would be reciprocated – he himself hadn’t really identified the emotion, after all.

He opened his mouth and Steve seemed surprised, but then Tony grasped his shirt and pulled Steve to lay over him, which is pretty much when Steve lost the ability to form any kind of coherent thought. He knew he was perhaps in the wrong, taking advantage of Tony like this, but his actions were spurred by desperation and the fact that he wanted, no, _needed,_ Tony to understand how irreplaceable he was. How significant he was.

Steve’s hand trailed down from where it lay on the arc reactor to skirt Tony’s ribs. The genius gasped and arched his back in response to the touch. Steve smiled against his lips and revelled in the ability to make Tony Stark become undone like this. Truthfully, Steve had no idea what he was doing and he was relieved when his actions garnered a positive response.

Tony brought his hands to rest on the back of Steve’s neck, pulling him ever closer as he shifted beneath the body on top of him to better accommodate what was happening. Steve hissed in response to the possibility of coition and drew back. This was very quickly getting out of hand. He didn’t want his first experience of intimacy with Tony to be under these circumstances. He didn’t want to take advantage and he didn’t want it to be as a result of desperation, a method of comfort. He wanted it to be real. He needed it to be genuine and mutually desired; under the right circumstances.

“Don’t stop,” Tony whispered.

“Would you do it again?” Steve asked.

Tony closed his eyes and sighed. He was so _tired._

“ _That,”_ Steve intoned, “is why I need to stop.”

Tony opened his eyes and looked at him desperately, beseechingly.

He couldn’t help himself. Steve leant down and captured his lips once more in a searing kiss before resting his face in the crook of Tony’s neck and nuzzling the skin there, breathing in his scent; his very _alive_ scent. Tony gulped. This was so intimate. He’d never really experienced this level of intimacy before and found his anxiety spike at the realisation. Tony didn’t know what to do with this and he was overwhelmed. He’d tried to kill himself a few hours before, still wanted to in fact, but now he was being confronted with this novel development and he wasn’t so sure. He wasn’t sure about anything anymore.

Steve noticed the change in Tony’s demeanour and shushed him before his thoughts had the opportunity to spiral any further.

“You need to learn to shut that thing off,” Steve admonished, tapping Tony’s temple lightly.

Despite himself, the genius smiled.

“I wish it was that easy,” Tony replied. “Things would be a lot better if it was.”

Steve looked at Tony in sympathy and his chest ached. How someone’s suffering could be so palpable and yet so well concealed unnerved hm.

“It’s going to get better, Tony. You have to know that.”

Tony huffed humourlessly. “Okay, Steve,” was all he said, his sarcasm barely veiled.

“It will,” Steve retorted, determined. Anger hovered at the edges of his words. Tony looked at him in surprise. The last time Steve had taken such a tone with him was on the helicarrier when they first met. It seemed so long ago now.

“You don’t have a choice,” Steve continued. “I won’t let you.”

“It’s not up to you.”

“Tony, _please_ ,” he was begging now.

“You don’t understand, Steve.”

“Then explain it to me, please!” He cupped Tony’s jaw with surprising gentleness. “Please, help me understand. Help me help you.”

“I don’t want to be helped,” Tony replied sadly. “I want it to be over.” He tried to get up then, attempted to move himself out of the bed but Steve clamped down on him with his body weight. It was a mass that was unparalleled and Tony was trapped.

“Steve,” he warned. “Move.”

The super soldier looked at him in both defiance and determination and Tony found himself grinding his teeth in irritation. Steve pressed him down further into the mattress and Tony sighed in defeat.

“This is the problem!” Tony barked. “ _Everyone_ knows best. _Everyone_ knows better.”

“We know that we want you to be safe. We want you to be happy.”

Tony scoffed at him and Steve crossed his arms over the genius’s chest, resting his chin on them and looking up at Tony with innocent eyes that were anything but innocent. He smiled gently at Tony and his irritation increased tenfold.

“What?!”

“When you get annoyed,” Steve replied, “your skin flushes red just above your cheekbones.”

Tony looked at him incredulously and Steve’s smile widened.

“It’s one of the reasons I find it so rewarding to wind you up.”

Tony looked at him with confusion that morphed into sadness and then pity.

“Don’t do this Steve,” he begged. “Don’t settle for someone like me. It’ll only end in misery.”

“How is it,” Steve asked, tracing the outline of the reactor, “that someone with so much bravado can have such a low perception of self-worth?”

“You ever heard of overcompensation?”

“Seriously, Tony,” Steve murmured, lavishing kisses into his neck, moving up his jaw and to the hollow behind his ear. “I’m totally enamoured with you.”

“You’re enamoured with the _idea_ of me, of your delusion of who you _think_ I am.”

Steve sighed against his ear and Tony shivered as his breath ghosted across his now clammy skin.

“I guess my next mission is to prove to you how entirely wrong you are.”

Steve moved to kiss him again and this time it was deep. There was so much feeling and emotion behind the one action that Tony felt he might burst from all of its implications. He gave in to the kiss and reciprocated with much fervour, the emotion and truth behind Steve’s words very clear in his expression of them. Tony moved to grasp at his nightshirt and found it to be the anchor that he hadn’t realised he’d needed for all this time.

The kiss continued and Tony found himself contented in the moment, at the thought of its continuation. He made absolutely no promises. His entire constitution wasn’t going to change in response to a kiss, a whispered confession; but it certainly did provide him with fodder for consideration. He couldn’t deny that this new development… complicated things, but he also couldn’t deny that he had now received something that he had wanted for an excruciatingly long time, something he thought that he would never have.

This certainly changed things. This is not the outcome that he had anticipated and he wasn’t too sure how he felt about that.


End file.
